The shortest match report

By Jeremy Dixson

No Chinese fortune cookie could have predicted the sequence of events that would lead to BUFC’s 5-0 victory by forfeit over Union Woluwe.

With BUFC steadily climbing the league table over the past few weeks, only 4 points separated us from our opposition, Union Woluwe and third place.

The traditional captain’s team talk was about ... well the usual stuff: Win; don’t screw up my Saturday night piss up in the pub thing. Oh and Union Woluwe only have 8 players. There was only one outcome possible and that was for us to stuff them!

It was another one of those global warming days, mid- February sunshine with a twist. It was chilly. There was a ref.

From the start it was clear that Union Woluwe’s magnificent 8 were going to be no match for a BUFC team primed and hungry.

It was only a matter of seconds before Marc P got on the end of a Willy S’s cross and flicked a shot on goal that was denied by the left goal post. BUFC were merciless.

Unfortunately BUFC were unaware that Union Woluwe’s number one fan was in fact the ref himself. Intent on redressing the balance of game the ref decided to make his presence known and play mother hen to 8 lame ducklings.

In a perfect display of a symbiotic relationship, Union’s flat defence played the offside trap and the ref obliged with whistling off-sides regardless of FIFA’s rules. The slightest contact was penalised with a free kick and you could forget about tackling on the day.

The new set of rules made it difficult for BUFC to play their game and the pressure of the first 10 minutes was lost. Woluwes magnificent 8 (9 with the ref) started to penetrate into the BUFC half on numerous occasions. The excitement was too much and one of Woluwes players limped off with a pulled hamstring. The ref had lost one of his ducklings. Woluwe were now 7.

Frustration began to show in both teams.

Minutes later it was with great surprise that Jason P found himself in Woluwes box and with no off sides given confidently fired the ball over the keepers head and into the net. Surely it would be called back… but no. BUFC take a surprise 1-0 lead.

BUFC found their feet again and began pressing. This upset Woluwe (goals tend to do that in this league) It wasn’t long before tempers flared and in a choice exchange of words Nick E was given a straight red. On a normal day a protest would have been mounted but somehow BUFC knew that this would not be the last time to see that card.

Needless to say there was plenty of room on the pitch with only 17 players ( + 1 ref) that BUFC were now exploiting to its fullest. The key was to avoid any contact and stay onside. The latter point was proving difficult for Rommel who had been brought on for injured Marc P.

BUFC’s second goal came from Gerry Cain which was an easy finish after a perfect assist from the man without the orange underpants. As always Gerry was in the right place at the right time. 2-0 BUFC and we could feel the flood gates opening.

Seconds later BUFC were once again pushing forward trying to penetrate the flat 7 man defence. Again the man without the orange underpants crossed the ball and with no time to think hit Jesse D on the head and slipped past the Woluwe defence for him to run onto.

As he dashed past the first defensemen he felt a tug on his right arm and shook the rugby style tackle off. Two steps later he side stepped a lunging tackle from the left and was in one on one with the goal keeper. Many things went through his head but in the end he belted in low and hard and the seasoned keeper somehow managed to dive over it ... 3-0

The celebrations were short lived though as the Ref sensed a thrashing in the making. Rather than see his little hens punished he put them out of their misery a red carded their defence man for the rugby style tackle.

Union Woluwe were now only 6 and for the first time on the day FIFA rules were applied and Union Woluwe were forced to forfeit...

An automatic 5-0 victory which was a disappointing and anti-climatic way to end the match that ended after 25 minutes.

Conclusions:

* We achieved the three points we set out to get.
* We are undefeated in games that Sean Nevin hasn’t played in.
* We are better off without refs.
* Man of the Match: The ref
* Not really the shortest match report...

Team: Walecki, Thomas, Mulholland, Martiniello, Lees, Swartjes, Peckham, Dixson, Eggerton, Cain, Poissonnier, Zhar.
Goal scores: Cain, Peckham and almost Dixson