British Beef Gets FC Ireland in a Stew
By Jon Warne
An uncharacteristically warm February sun welcomed the travelling team and fans to the home of FC Irelande. The Anglo-Irish derby is a fixture no self-respecting BUFC fan could miss, and true to form the BUFC Casuals were out in numbers eager to support their team in what was a match of even greater significance than usual. Both teams are involved in a relegation battle, with BUFC 2 trying to avoid the humiliation of 'doing a Leeds' and plummeting through the ABSSA leagues. With league survival added to the bite of local rivalry (and the wounds of a 0-3 BUFC 2 loss earlier in the season), the contest was set to be a battle of epic proportions. The local Irish crowd, dwarfed by another fantastic turnout by the BUFC away support, looked nervous. The Colosseum awaited the entrance of the gladiators.
Captain Fitzgerald, still out with injury but conspicuously not carrying the crutch which had been used for unconventional means in a night club disagreement the previous week, stalked the touchline rallying his troops. It was a strong squad for the day, with 2 subs available to provide cover for the physical test to come. Milton and Jens were on the bench, sharpening studs and strategically placing knives down their socks for a later introduction to the game. The match started at 100 M.P.H, and it became obvious from the off that BUFC were here for all 3 points and nothing else would suffice. Smart passing, and winning every 50-50 ball soon had the away team sliding through the gears, while FC Irelande were not only failing to find first gear, but looked unsure whether they even had a car. Panic soon set in among the home team players. The last time I saw a team go downhill that fast it was the all conquering German bobsleigh crew from the 1998 Winter Olympics.
The first goal came courtesy of a ball played to the feet of John Weston, who turned on a sixpence to drive a shot back across the keeper into the far corner of the net. This fateful day, the ball was to spend more time in the back of a net than a dolphin swimming near a Spanish trawler. The second came from the same source, as tireless work from Oppenheimer, Meehan and Mercier created a move which culminated in a corner. Weston, winking at the crowd as he strode to take it, wiped the mud off his 200 euro Predators, and prepared to unleash Hell. Judging the wind to perfection, he expertly planted an inswinger high and fast through the 6 yard box to find the gap between near post and keeper. 0-2 and Irish minds were beginning to wonder if their luck was out this day. Robust defending and calm passing was cutting FC Ireland to shreds, and thoughts of a cricket score were coming to mind. Fitz paced the technical area barking instructions, and lo and behold the third goal came. Cynically fouled about 10 yards outside the box on the left hand side, Belgic-Italian freekick fiend Daniele Melis was in no mood to pass up the opportunity. Running on the spot for perhaps 10 seconds to generate sufficient speed, he sprinted up to the ball and bent a rocket into the far right hand corner of the goal. 0-3 and the home fans were definitely not singing anymore.
As the half time whistle sounded Fitz warned his troops that there would be no towel thrown in from the Irish…they would come back strongly in the second half. A few feet away, the FC Irelande captain was desperately trying to coax his players into action. With Jens on for Jooles and Milton on for Oppenheimer, the second half started with a bang but all too soon it became obvious that there would be no fairytale comeback for the Irish. Tomas and Rikard were patrolling the flanks, and Meehan, Mercier and Milton were fighting like demons in the centre. Irish resistance eventually crumbled as Weston, playing the game of his West-life, combined aggression, close control and great awareness to fashion another for his scrapbook. Taking the ball on his chest, he out-manoeuvred both markers just outside the box and smashed a volley into the top hand corner for his hat trick. "Are you not entertained???" he screamed as he ran towards the away fans. Maximus Decimus Westonis, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to British United. The barbarian hordes were beaten.
The last 15 minutes were played out in a rather low key manner, as FC Ireland prayed for a final whistle to put them out of their misery. Only a few comedic moments stood out- Weston skying a shot from 6 yards that would have been his 4th of the game, and a masterly run by Daniele, chased by the whole FC Ireland team, which resembled a musical interlude in the Benny Hill Show. Meehan, who was an unsung hero alongside Mercier, and Papp, were both unlucky not to add to the score. 0-4 it remained, and the celebrations could begin.
All in all a fantastic performance by BUFC 2 which showed that with commitment, aggression and passion the wins required for survival in the 3rd division are more than possible to achieve. The squad, which has such an abundance of talent, must not start next season playing football on a cow field in some muggy gaff in Division 4. A confident and powerful performance here ensured that Irish eyes will greet the next visit of BUFC 2 with the same enthusiasm that they would greet a return of Cromwell and his New Model Army.
Player Breakdown:
Kieran - Solid as a rock, agile as a cat. Makes goalkeeping look easy which, as Messrs Robinson and Carson will testify, it most certainly isn't
Jooles - Committed as ever, unlucky to suffer recurrence of injury
Jens - Like a terrier, he snapped away at FC Irelande, never allowing time or space
Daniele - Powerful, experienced and committed. A revelation this season
Bram - Fantastic game- held the line with Daniele and worked tirelessly despite not playing in months
Vincent - Cristiano Ronaldo wouldn't have got past him today. No, seriously- watch a rerun of Man City V Man Utd for further evidence
Ben - Another lesson given in the art of breaking up play and giving simple passes
Simon - So perfectly suited to Derby matches, you wonder why Paul Jewell didn't sign him in January
Tomas - Skilful, wily and adept at playing on the left. Should English ancestry surface, a call up from Don Capello cant be far away
Rikard - Strong, direct and fired up, Papp was the swede accompanying the British beef
David - Injured early on, the game was deprived of one of the most exciting BUFC 2 prospects
Milton - Adapted perfectly once introduced, and displayed perfect Beckham-esque long rang passing
"Great" Weston - Amazing game. Hat-trick not only ensured man of the match award but also his place among the likes of 'The Wild Bunch', 'The Magnificent Seven' and 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' as one of the truly classic Westons. Sorry...
