By Ramster (I don't remember much about the game itself…..put that down to one mojito too many in Java. Apologies if any of this is wrong)

There is no love lost between BUFC Ladies and VD Freakervoort. But the 5-0 annihilation inflicted on them by BUFC in the first half of the season had clearly pushed the Freaks and their twisted Freak Coach into the frame of mind that they would do anything - and I mean anything - to seek revenge in the return fixture.

These Freak tactics included:

• Wrestling players to the ground whenever possible
• Bribing the referee. (I can only hope that it was Marina that had to take one for the team.)
• Hiring supporters from the local mentalist hospital

The game began with both teams testing each other out. Frances got a taste in the first two minutes of what the Freak Right Back was going to dish out all game - as they tussled and both took a heavy tumble. Freak Number 8, who Coach Tolen had warned us was their secret weapon and top goal scorer, teased and tested BUFC's midfield and defence. And Freak Marina was her usual heavily permed and fragrant self.

The referee, donning a stylish chestnut, bouffant wig, showed from the off that he was no fan of BUFC (but a fan of Marina's) as decision after decision in the early minutes went to the home Freaks, much to the delight of VD's supporters. (Incidentally, the club motto roughly translated is "I have VD running through my veins").

And eventually - I can't remember exactly what happened - but VD put a freakish attack together and a lucky, some might say, freak, shot came through a crowd of players and found its way into the back of the BUFC net.

After that slip BUFC doubled their efforts and really took the game to VD. Sook and Maaike combined well in midfield, moving the ball superbly to the wings. Caragh and Frances made some great runs down the flanks (despite shirt pulling and waist grabbing by the Freak Right Back on Frances which is apparently fair play in Freaksville) and combined well with Ana and Alessandra. Ale had a couple of great shots - one of which the Freak goalie managed to tip with her fingertips on to the bar and Caz just wasn't able to convert the rebound.

The VD Freaks' goal seemed to have a magnetic force round it. Ana put great pressure on the Freak goalie and Freak defence, challenging every ball and forcing them to make errors. But time and again the ball went wide, just too high, or into the side netting.

Meanwhile the BUFC defence mopped up any attacks from the Freaks, with Jackie giving Freak number 10 no room on the right wing, Rachel watching Freak 8 and Amos cutting attacks out down their left.

Half time 1-0 to the Freaks but BUFC had dominated the final twenty minutes. BUFC had been bashed and battered and went frustrated into the changing rooms past the vile, mentalist, freakshow supporters.

The second half kicked off with more of the same good football from BUFC, and unfortunately more vileness from the Freaks on the pitch and the mentalists on the sidelines. Coach was hassled by the Freak Delegue; Twisted Freak Coach held up play whenever possible; and the baying mob of mentalists continued to hurl abuse.

Clever play from BUFC broke the Freaks' off side trap several times, great runs from Frances proved that you could push and punch her but you couldn't break her spirit. Sook showed silky skills and Caragh put in some superb crosses, but the best efforts of everyone on the pitch just couldn't get the ball in the net. The pressure forced often frantic defending by the Freaks. One poor clearance fell to flying Dutchwoman Maaike and she let fly with her right foot. Everyone thought it was in but it just skimmed over the bar. Ana and Ale continued to scare the Freaks and continued to put the goalkeeper under fantastic pressure.

VD looked dangerous on the break as BUFC pushed more players forward but the defence continued to mop up any attacks. Jackie didn't put a foot wrong all game, Amos didn't let the mentalists on the sideline get to her, and Rachael had the measure of Freak Number 8. Franci continued to cut out long balls well - and wasn't troubled at all in the second half.

BUFC fought to the end but at the final whistle VD's vile tactics had paid off. As BUFC walked off the pitch the VD mentalist supporters jeered and hurled abuse - an upsetting end to a horrible match. Frances summed up the spirit of the dressing room: "Moral victories get boring after a while".

But there was a happy ending. BUFC and its wonderfully sane and civilized supporters left Freaksville and went to a fabulous party at Ana's palatial apartment. The Freaks meanwhile had to stay and get their kicks from shagging their livestock, their supporters had to return to their padded cells and as the ref removed his wig and got changed he noticed an itchy rash starting to appear on his groin.

Team: Franci, Jackie, Ramster, Rachael, Frances, Maaike, Sook, Caragh, Ana, Alessandra

Subs: Helen, Erika

Supporters: Sharon, Dora the Explorer, Kelli, Rana and her husband.

Man of Match: Ana, Jackie, Alessandra