Montgomery's Match
By Frances White

I've come to the conclusion that Caragh and Helen must keep a pen and paper hidden in their pants when they're on the pitch. How else could they possibly recall all the finer details of the match otherwise? Whether it's the number of leffe blondes I've drunk, the excitement about being on the pitch, or the relief that Montgomery (the constipated tortoise to whom I dedicate this win) had done his first poo in weeks, I will apologise early on for not really being able to remember what happened on Saturday. Had I known I was going to be the author of the match report, I would have packed a furry microphone and video camera in with my shin pads but without a little aide-mémoire I'm going to have to make up all the parts which have slipped my mind. I know we were good though and if even if you can't be bothered to read the rest of the diatribe, that is the most important piece of information you should take away with you.

So, to get to the point...In the beginning, there weren't very many of us. Seven to be precise, because half the team had gone to the Antwerp sales to pick up the few remaining bargains Cora and Amy hadn't managed to fit into the car on their first trip. Caragh had a little rant about commitment later on in the changing room, but really, using up precious energy reserves like this on the day of an important cup match - well - one has to ask where your priorities really lie.

On top of this, Coach had obviously had a bit of a bad week with the Belgians. Too many old ladies, too few manners and too much dithering. Should Erwin ever offer you a coffee, I advise deciding well in advance whether you'll be wanting milk and sugar with that. There's nothing he hates more than someone who can't decide/remember at the last moment how they take their coffee and there is a high chance that you will end up with "a milk and two sugars" just where you don't want it if you utter the word, "Umm," ahead of, "No thank you. Just as it is, please."

Fortunately however, the rest of the team seemed to be in quite good spirits. Frances in particular was confident of a win following two bottles of lucozade and Montgomery's poo (I'm sorry if I keep mentioning that point) which surely was a sign from the Gods that decisions were going to go our way that day. Oh, and Amanda was chuffed because she was pretty sure that she was the lucky blonde taking Steven Gerrard's hand in marriage and on the verge of being elevated to WAG status. We're waiting for confirmation from 'Hello' magazine on that one this week.

Half a page down, and finally we get to the pre-match banter in the changing room where some unusual tactics were witnessed (I've never been one for getting to the point quickly). Tish, obviously thrown by putting her kit on in a more logical order this week (not that I was really watching), then let her energy sweet go down the wrong way. Ana, famous for not wearing very much in the summer, deliberated for some time over whether or not to wear leggings under her shorts. Then Amanda let Ale dip into her Vaseline. I'm not really sure what this last part was for - I was told lubricant protected against chaffing, but then Ale rubbed it into the front of her thighs and I've definitely never chaffed there before. Erwin, who until that point had been taking coffee with Maaike's mum (fortunately she knew how she liked it, so Erwin was much more cheerful by then), then came back in to announce the line-up to much whooping and clapping and once the Antwerp shoppers were ready we were finally able to head out to the pitch.

Then we get to the football part, which is obviously why we were all there. The warm-up went without any notable incidents or problems other than that it seemed to be quite short. Tongerlo, having changed out of their skirts, touched up their make-up and tied their hair back into ponytails arrived on the pitch even later looking younger and more feminine than any of the teams we normally encounter. I can't remember who had first kick-off, but I think Tish won the toss and I'm sure we got off to an awesome start. Tongerlo, it has to be said though, shouldn't be underestimated and made it clear from the outset that they had more to offer than just their looks. They were almost as good as us at football too. Almost.

The first half was an exciting one. In fact, it was one of the most exciting halves yet this season. We played like a very good team in the Champions' League. I don't like to specify which one, partly because I don't know, but also because whichever one I choose it's bound to be controversial. Training drills were put into practise, three-touch football seemed to be the style of choice and the only place I've witnessed more triangles is in a geometry text book. The BUFC ladies were more offensive than they've ever been before, and this was even without Gibbo being on the pitch.

There followed some great runs down the wings, some shots on goal, some nail-biting moments at the back when Tongerlo took on Franci, some solid tackles from the defence and more aggression up front before we got the break we deserved. By this time, Rachel had gone down injured, and bravely bounced back up again and Franci had almost lost a boob in another courageous save against the somewhat relentless opposition. But this, this was the moment we'd all been waiting for. Even Erwin must have been glad to have been in Belgium for this one...

...the ball comes from the back, Tish passes to Frances, Frances runs a little bit down the wing, passes in to Ale who runs a little bit more before passing it ahead to Ana who picks up, runs into the D, shoots towards the left hand corner, completely outwits the goalkeeper and yes, yes, yes, YES……….GGGGGOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! Naturally, the crowd went wild and Ana was hugged so many times that had she been wearing her leggings at this stage I think she might have over-heated. It was poetry in motion, and had we been in a champion's league match, they would have replayed the moment over and over again on match of the day and Gary Lineker would have been seriously hot for us.

The ladies were psyched by now and everyone seemed to fit into their little niche on the pitch. Tongerlo smelled danger but couldn't quite get on top of it. BUFC took more shots on goals, Caz took a couple of excellent corners, one of which Anna almost got her head on, Frances had mistakenly taken Monty's poo to mean she was going to score so ran at the goal a few times before tripping over her shoe laces in tiredness. The moral of that story is make sure you pass the ball if you've got no juice left to get a decent shot. Ale outclassed them in the centre, Mrs Gerrard (to be confirmed) gave them a hard time on the left, and nothing much was going to get past Maaike and Ramster. Franci was left to tidy up a few potentially untidy loose ends but made it look easy. There were a couple of dodgy offside calls, but by and large, the ref was even quite nice too, although he didn't give us much time for reflection over the half time break.

And so there we were, back on the pitch for the second half and keen not to become complacent. Aine came on for Amos with a fresh pair of legs for the defence and Tish and Frances did a bit of a job share on Tongerlo's No. 12 which seemed to work pretty well for Frances. Obviously I can't speak for Tish. BUFC though a little more tired were still on the rampage and a couple of Caz/Maaike/Ramster kicks up front were almost converted by the forwards but not quite. Frances even had a one on one with the Goalie at one stage but still managed to miss I think because by this stage her legs looked a little bit like road runner's (see below) making it a little tricky to get contact with the ball.

Ana and Amanda also made some threatening moves on the left and Caz took a couple of shots on goal but sadly, despite our efforts we were going to have to settle at 1-0.

Then of course, it all ended up on penalties not because the final score was under discussion, but because by then there was a biting wind and pouring rain and no reason whatsoever for staying out on the pitch. Why on earth would we want to go and have a warm shower when we could stay out in weather like that? I can only assume that this was the thought on everybody's minds (except Ale, and Franci of course who saved at least one) when they struck the ball either wide or at the post. In true charitable form, we let the visitors win on the penalties so they could take some good news back to Tongerlo village. After all, when we've played cup games away, that's what the home team has always done for us.

Tongerlo though, if you're reading this, we liked you. You were pretty good. Not as good as us of course, which is presumably why we won, but you did give us a decent game and keep us on our toes. We also liked the fact that you played nicely and were good sports. We might even invite you to come again.

Highlights: Ana's goal, general quality football & a great team effort. Oh, and of course Monty's poo.
Lowlights: not getting a second goal and losing the penalties
Squad:Franci, Ramster, Tish, Rachel, Amos, Helen, Maaike, Caz, Frances, Amanda, Ale, Ana
Super subs:Aine, Kelli
Supporters:Maaike's mum, Big Al, Gibbo, Sharon