British United

James Applebee

AKA: Applebee; I ♥ Applebee; Huckerbee

Position: Right back.

Footballing traits: Solid right back, good on the ball and happy to go forward. A sweet striker of the ball with an eye for goal, the 09/10 season has been James' most prolific for BUFC to date - returning a frightening 3 goals.

Most likely to be seen: furniture shopping, talking about the time he went on a tour of Gigg Lane (home of Bury Town FC).  Ironic name really, as it is both the last place you ever want to attend a gig and the last place you are likely to witness the skills of Ryan Giggs.

Least likely to be seen: lending someone his tape before a match - "but it's expensive"

Comments: Ignored pleas from BUFC's divorced community not to get married. The 1st team's new reserve keeper.  Let’s keep Dave Turner fit.

Gaz Goldsmith

AKA: Little Gazzy, Gingwick, Gazzincha; Mosely; Pretty boy, Tomasz Schafernaker (see below),

Position: Left Back, definitely Left Back but has been known to wander onto the (political) Left Wing for the odd 90 mins.

Footballing traits: Little Gazzy is surprisingly good on the ball for a ‘defender’ and has been known to score from the odd set piece (usually a defensive corner).  Possesses a left foot that could open a can of beans, but not, alas, a half decent defence.  

Most likely to be seen: Trying to play in the hole; talking rubbish in a pub; starting obscene chants; baiting Norwich fans; Moonlighting as weatherman under his alias Tomasz Schafernaker.

Least likely to be seen: ‘Out drinking’ anybody in the club; missing open goals; at Carrow Road;

Comments: An urban myth is that Gaz had trials at Ipswich Town.  Desperate as they always are for players, unfortunately the truth is that Gaz once went on trial in Ipswich Crown Court having been arrested in a sting by the fashion police.   It was thought that Little Gazzy was one of the most knowledgeable football fans in the club until he came out with the fact that Ipswich Town nearly signed Batistuta!  As with many ITFC greats, the player turned out to be more Batty-boy than Batigol.

Kenny Duncan

AKA: Kenny; the King; the Sheriff; Special K; the Sheriff of Shottingham

Position: Striker

Footballing traits: Kenny is BUFC's goal machine with his dodgy ankles his only known weakness.

Most likely to be seen: Scoring; buying the team a round after winning MOTM again.  Kenny now has the world record for most rounds of drink bought by a Scot, which our records tell us was previously three tap waters!

Least likely to be seen: Smiling after winning man of the match; In a conga line.

Comments: Kenny used to play semi-professional football for Norwich United, refusing to play for their 'city' rivals because of his deep admiration for politically astute, Ipswich supporting BUFC lynchpin little Gazzy.

James Ogilvie

AKA: Jude Law.

Position: CB, CM, CF,

Footballing traits: Joined the club at the start of the 09/10 season as a centre back or centre midfielder but has spent much of the season up front. Strong in the air, good with both feet (haha!) and with the work rate of Owen Hargreaves (haha!), Jimmy has established himself as a key player in the first team (haha!).  James reinvented the role of the box to box player by covering every blade of grass from the six yard box to the penalty box.

Most likely to be seen: Staring, in jealous hatred, at Simon's smile: practicing his own smile.

Least likely to be seen: Staying in on a Friday.

Comments: WAG's favourite Jimmy has been a great addition to the club on and off the pitch. Has a suppressed stalking tendency that may see him spend a night in a train station or climb a balcony - more Robin Van Persie than Romeo. Wears UGG boots. 

Chris Clack

AKA: Chrissy Clack

Position: Central Defence

Footballing traits: Chrissy Clack has taken no time to become a commanding presence in the team and on the pitch. He’s got a class touch and distributes the ball superbly…you don’t want to be tackled by him. 

Most likely to be seen: Talking back to the ref and light-heartedly but somewhat heavy-handedly abusing opposition forwards.

Least likely to be seen: Sharing a beer with the ref after the game or being Delegue (always has an excuse).

Comments: The archetypal English footballer. Never afraid to bring a man down in his own box and pull off his hard tackle.

Simon Meehan

AKA: Smiler

Position: Central Midfield

Footballing traits: Si is a magnet for the ball in the centre of the pitch, tirelessly breaking up the play and using the ball intelligently…when not being played out of position that is.

Most likely to be seen: Smiling at your girlfriend. Getting booked.  

Least likely to be seen: Turning up after a heavy night out…even if he has the kit. Buying a round.

Comments: “He’s got a nice smile”…quote from an anonymous player’s girlfriend.

Thomas Horspool

AKA: Billy (by Edmund), The Hors

Position: Phil Neville

Footballing traits: Tom is a tidy, skilful player who has played pretty much every position for BUFC except goalkeeper. At his best when picking out passes from the midfield or whipping crosses into the box.

Most likely to be seen: Wearing a Liverpool top from the 1990s

Least likely to be seen: Playing Pro Ev on an xbox, out-muscling someone.

Comments: Playing for BUFC is something of a Horspool family tradition. Thomas's old man was still playing for the veterans' team until recently.

Miguel Pesquera

AKA: Mascara, San Miguel; Emile Pesquey

Position: Centre midfield

Footballing traits: Miguel is a talented attacking midfielder. Rarely loses the ball and often leaves opposition teams staring blankly at his heels wondering how he managed to skin them, again. Capable of scoring wonder goals. Capable.

Most likely to be seen: Taking the ball past five opposition players and missing a simple one on one. Looking bemused as little-Gazzy mispronounces his name to the referee again.

Least likely to be seen: Getting tackled; clean shaven. Taking dribbling lessons from Jamie Carragher.

Comments: Once last season Miguel was the only player to turn up for a game but decided to still go ahead with the match. 1-0 up at half time BUFC/Miguel managed to draw the game 1-1, commenting afterwards Miguel said 'we would have won but I got sent off after 60 minutes'.

Dave Turner

AKA: Dave T; Mr.T; 

Position: Goalkeeper

Footballing traits: Dave is BUFC's most reliable player and a steady presence between the goalposts.

Most likely to be seen: Calming the missus down after another bad decision by the ref

Least likely to be seen: Getting angry; Saving shots;

Comments: FACT: Dave's wife and kids usually make up about 90% of the BUFC travelling support.

Scott Allen

AKA: Scotty, Barry White

Position: Central midfield, left midfield

Footballing traits: Scotty is a tough-tackling midfield player with good vision and passing ability

Most likely to be seen: East Midlands Airport on the way from Amsterdam to Brussels.

Least likely to be seen: Mastermind; University Challenge; checking Google Maps.

Comments: As a former captain, players look to Scotty for wisdom and guidance: We now know that "Naribia" is a country in Africa and De Valera's is an "English pub". Only player in BUFC quiz history to get the question “Spell DVD” wrong.

Bendik Solum Whist

AKA: Ben-e-dik-t

Position: Right Wing

Footballing traits: Bendik is a box-to-box winger who can torment a full back with blistering pace, agility and unquestionable work-rate. Wears gloves and hair bands…enough said.

Most likely to be seen: Running backwards the wrong way up an escalator, checking Google maps with unrivalled expertise or simply stealing goals from Miguel.

Least likely to be seen: Against a white backdrop.

Comments: Drives a Skoda; serial offender with the fashion police (see exhibit A: Hair band).

Alex Flavell

AKA: Big Daddy; Son of the Flavela

Position: Centre Forward

Footballing traits: Flavell came into the squad early in the season and has scored some valuable goals. Hard working and strong on the ball, he'll happily put his body on the line for the team.

Most likely to be seen: Telling a recently married BUFC teammate how to complain about the 'in-laws' in French.

Least likely to be seen: Getting angry.

Comments: Recently bought 'his first ever car' aged 30+; Him that is, not the car.

Paul Noon

AKA: High Noon; The Noonatic; Noon-eh; The poor man’s Sean Bean

Position: Centre Back, press-up position.

Footballing traits: A solid and quick centre back with two left feet, many describe Noon-eh as a 'good footballer who can't actually play football'.  Rumoured to have completed a pass in a recent match and also to have the hardest tackle since Ron Jeremy...

Most likely to be seen: Doing press ups in bars, shops and bus stops while simultaneously talking about Sheffield United's  (few) glory years and how they “nearly” signed Diego Maradona; humming the Hovis advert tune.

Least likely to be seen: Wearing Sheffield Wednesday shirt; Sober; Playing football.

Comments: An unknown quantity to both Belgian football and BUFC, in that nobody ever sees him play.  Statistically, Bin Laden is more likely to be seen in a BUFC strip.

Kieran Kelly

AKA: The Cobra; Cuddles; "Carl Froch"; Ned Kelly; KK; Karlos the Tackle

Position: Centre Back (or more intimately – the “Pincer”).

Footballing traits: A stout defender who was once described in the Estonian press as being “as hard as the soviet hammer... and as bent as the sickle that crosses it”. It is widely regarded that Kieran’s best position is actually goalkeeper but the TV demand from Bravo for weekly footage of his trademark horror tackles keeps him in the heart of defence. KK regularly exhibits the sort of comical marking usually attributed to GCSE history teachers.

Most likely to be seen: Having his ear holes and nostrils singed by north African barbers, making work related telephone calls whilst on the toilet, trying to get work as a Carl Froch lookalike.

Least likely to be seen: At all – some say he’s so fast, you’ll think you’re surrounded; in the same room as Carl Froch.

Comments: Rumoured to have taught Bruce Lee the 1 inch punch, KK once demonstrated his ninja speed by turning off the light in his bedroom, getting undressed and into bed before it got dark. In a 2009 poll of things Estonians would least like to see return to their country, Kieran topped the list ahead of “Soviet rule” and “the Black death”.

Juri Laas

AKA: Vice-Chairman, Dodgy Knee Committee

Position: Centre Forward/Central Defence

Footballing traits: Juri is a mass-ive presence both on the pitch and socially. A real motivator, he can lead the line in attack or defence and holds the ball up remarkably well.

Most likely to be seen: Somewhere near the wings… he is a hungry player with an appetite for getting stuck into balls served to him on a plate…sweet and sour chicken balls mainly.

Least likely to be seen: Jogging in Parc Cinquentenniaire, skipping desert or spending time with Australian hippies.

Comments: Juri is always on good form.

Kevin Nagawa

AKA: Kev

Position: RB, LB, CM, RM, LM

Footballing traits: Can play across the middle or at full back and is always looking to get the ball down and play. Comfortable with either foot, Kevin is Mauritius' answer to John O'shea, happy to play on either side of the 'pitch'....

Most likely to be seen: with a cold

Least likely to be seen: playing in the same position as the previous week

Comments: "You're from Mauritius? Why are you living in Belgium?"

Karl Telfer

AKA: Telfer Leather, Karlito’s Way; Karl Marks

Position: Right back free role, left back role, centre back free role

Footballing traits: Karl is a solid defender who can play anywhere across the back line, comfortable on the ball – unfortunately- as this often results in more explosive runs than you'd see in a backpackers hostel in Delhi.

Most likely to be seen: Up front or in Luxembourg, getting asked for ID.

Least likely to be seen: Telling another defender to go forward.

Comments: Speaks more languages than C3PO, and he's spoken a different one for every game this season.  Rumoured to be only the 2^nd white person fluent in Jive (the other being the Grandmother in Airplane).

Lee Dawson

AKA: Les Dawson; Hun Lovin’ Criminal; Hoop Hater

Position: Centre Back

Footballing traits: Centre back who previously played professional football in his native Scotland. (No, we didn’t know they played professional football there either). As likely to misplace a pass as he is to win a sprint, Lee is a commanding presence on and off the pitch.

Most likely to be seen: On a plane; Swearing allegiance to the Union and Her Majesty.

Least likely to be seen: In a wine bar; in the home end at Parkhead

Comments: Famously turned down a move to St. Petersburg because they didn't have an expat football team. Always happy to put his pipe down for a few minutes to tell the young'uns what life was like before TV.  Has more air miles than Richard Branson, but doesn’t own his own hot air balloon (yet).

Dean Blackmore

AKA: Deano; Clayton; DB7;

Position: Anywhere…along the sidelines.

Footballing traits:  A quality centre back, Dean has sadly been missing for most of the season and will strengthen the team when he makes his comeback. Decided to grow a goatee beard this season - as John Terry and Franck Ribery will testify, all good footballers make mistakes.

Most likely to be seen: Dribbling on himself in the James Joyce between the hours of 02:00 – 07:00, six hours after being told to go home by the barman.

Least likely to be seen: On the field; pulling a bird.

Comments: Dean is the founding and sole member of the '(wheel)Barrow AFC Overseas Supporters Club', happily driving from Brussels to Cumbria to watch the bluebirds play - "they're the only birds in my life" (Quote from Dean Blackmore, 4am, 17th April 2010, James Joyce Pub, Brussels). More of a danger to birds than a drunk Bill Oddie.

Edmund Eloy

AKA: The Animal, Edmundo; Hippy

Position: CB, CM

Footballing traits: Combative midfielder or centre back, you'd rather he was on your team than against you. Edmund's non-stop running, strength and tough tackling are a great asset to the team - would probably enjoy football (or fighting) in the UK more, in that in you're not allowed to be strong or a tough tackler in Belgium.  Back in his amateur days, Roy Keane famously bottled a 50-50 with Edmund, later claiming life was short enough as it is.  A rare specimen of a francophone in that he runs towards the enemy.

Most likely to be seen: in Thailand; Eating nails;

Least likely to be seen: with an office job.  Crying over a Camus novel in a wine bar

Comments: FACT - was in the French foreign legion; doesn't know that Fitzy 'knows' his sister. Can head a ball further than most BUFC players can kick one or Carlton Palmer can trap one.  Apparently Edmund’s tears cure cancer... too bad he’s never cried.

Antonio José Calderon

AKA: Toro, Torro; “Vicente” Calderon; Franco (see below)

Position: Right-wing, forward

Footballing traits: As his nickname would suggest, Toro is a quick and strong winger who also likes to get stuck in. Toro is also something of a medical miracle, given that despite his dodgy knees and his post-match diet of beer he is usually the fittest player on the pitch.  Being both Spanish and a right-winger earns him the name Franco.

Most likely to be seen: Drinking beer upside down as a cure for hiccups

Least likely to be seen: Driving a ford fiesta.

Comments: "Is this a football club or a bunch of faggots"?

Mike Dixon

AKA: Dicko

Position: Coach

Footballing traits: Put politely, Mike let’s you know if you (or he for that matter) could have done better.

Most likely to be seen: Watching Barbara Streisland appear on Jonathan Ross on a Friday night.

Least likely to be seen: On the pitch.

Comments: Great bloke - keeps the team together and brings much-needed organisation from the sidelines